Settle down children, it’s time for a story! But parents be warned, it gets kind of gory… In a land far away lived a child named Sam
Who liked running and jumping and strawberry jam But Sam was an odd one, to all this was clear For their Christmas wish was the same every year “I want to kill Santa!”, Sam said with a roar, “When I find that fruitcake! you bet he’s
done for” “I’ll bash him and smash him and chop
off his head” Yes, as you can see, Sam wanted him dead One year Sam laid traps all over the roof
With landmines built-in to make Santa go POOF And last year the chimney was filled up with knives “Yet somehow,” Sam grumbled, “he always survives!” But this was the year that Sam knew what to get: A new rocket launcher off the Internet! Straight out of the sky Santa’s sleigh will
be blown Hey kids, please remember, don’t try this at home ‘Twas the night before Christmas, Sam jumped
up and down Because they knew that Santa was coming to town “This is the year Santa Claus will expire!” A bleep on the radar?
Well, “Ready! Aim! FIRE!” The BOOM that came after lit up the night sky Both reindeer and presents rained down from on-high Sam ran to the crash site to witness the carnage
But what they found there was nothing but garbage “A robot! A fake!” It was all just a trick! Sam had been fooled by a decoy Saint Nick But maybe this scrap and what’s left of the sleigh. Could help Sam build something to chase down their prey! The super-speed holly-copter powered by coal
Took to the skies headed towards the North Pole But before Sam could even get halfway from home They had a strange feeling they were not alone It’s Tinsel and Bauble, the jet-packing elves! “You’ll never reach Santa, we’ll stop
you ourselves!” “We’ll make you die hard and we’ll do
it with glee” “You’re about to be lit up like a Christmas tree!” Sam steered into Bauble and chopped him in two And out came his guts made of glitter and glue “You turkey!” yelled Tinsel “You murdered my bro!” She locked on to Sam and launched her Missile-Toe PEW! WHOOSH! and ZOOM! The holly-copter went BOOM! Sam leapt from the flames to avoid certain doom Then grabbed onto Tinsel and gave her a thwack
“Oi, Elf,” Sam demanded, “Give me your jet-pack!” Sam stayed in the air thanks to Tinsel’s “donation” Onto the North Pole and their festive location. When finally Sam saw a sight they knew well “The Grotto! Now let’s blow it to jingle bell!” With the mightiest BLAM Sam kicked down the door And charged right inside, armed and ready for war “Hey Santa, you cracker!, I’m inside your house!” But not a creature was stirring, not even
a mouse Icicles formed and the door frame was blocked
The room soon froze over but Sam was not shocked They stood firm by the fireplace, refusing
to flee “I know who you are so come out and face me!” Mist cleared to reveal the spine-chilling
Ice Queen “My my, what a horrible child you have been”
She magically summoned an ice sword and said “Let’s see what you look like without
that big head” The Queen swung her sword but it smashed when
she missed Her teeth all fell out when her face met Sam’s fist But pinned to the wall with an icicle dart
Sam was trapped as the Queen went straight for their heart Though stabbed in the chest, Sam’s eyes
simply rolled For our hero’s heart was already ice cold
“Oh Frost!” the Queen whimpered as fear crossed her face
Before Sam shoved her into the hot fireplace While melting alive, she made one guarantee
“You’ll never find the underground factory!” The Ice Queen was soon a just puddle of water
And Sam knew where next to continue the slaughter Sam grabbed an axe and then walloped the floor
Until the ground broke when it could take no more Down into darkness Sam tumbled and fell Hoping this was the place where old Santa
would dwell Sam landed, SMASH! But in a turn of events
They’d fallen on top of a sack of presents A massive toy workshop! “This must be the place!” But there was no sign of life, not even a trace With a whip and a crack, Sam suddenly froze. The elves had thrown Christmas lights from the shadows Then out of the darkness, a mighty voice boomed “You shouldn’t have come, child. Now you are doomed.” Santa marched forward with a huge candy cane
Just the sight of that monster drove Sam quite insane. “I’ll kill you, you eggnog! It’s gonna be violent!” As Sam’s voice rang out, the whole factory
fell silent “Ho! Ho! Ho! Violence? Well, if you insist! I’ll just have to strike you off my naughty list” A laser gun sprang out of Kris Kringle’s staff “Just like Christmas crackers, I’ll tear
you in half!” Things weren’t looking good and Sam had
to think quick They used all their might as the trigger went “click” Sam yanked on the Christmas light whips hard
and fast Throwing all of the elves right in front of
the blast The elves all exploded with a high-pitched
“oh no” Their glittery elf guts fell down just like snow While Santa plucked body parts out of his beard He suddenly realised, Sam had disappeared “You killed my parents!” Sam cried out with hatred
“You clogged the chimney and they suffocated” “It’s your fault, you yule log! so what
do you say To the child whose family you took away?” He thought for a moment but then said with cheer “Oh, so what? That happens a few times a year!” “It’s simply a blunder, an easy mistake”
“So your parents died, don’t be such a snowflake!” But just then a light lasso caught Santa’s
foot And wrapped ‘round his legs so he had to
stay put Sam strapped on the jet-pack and then waved bye-bye As Santa Claus rocketed into the sky Sam loaded their axe in the candy cane gun
And aimed to the sky, to avenge dad and mum “It looks like my wish is about to come true” They fired the canon and up the axe flew The rocket-pack burst with a mighty explosion
And Santa fell down in what felt like slow motion But he came to a stop before hitting the ground It’s atop the North Pole where his bones
can be found Taking a seat upon Kris Kringle’s throne
Sam took the name Santa in place of their own They spoke to the elves and made one thing quite clear Christmas would work differently after this year No more naughty lists or poor parents departed
So that no other child would grow up cold hearted From now on they’d make sure to do all things right Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

100 thoughts on “SAM KILLS CHRISTMAS”

  1. Hi, english as a second language speaker here, why does the narrator call Sam "they"? isn't that a plural term?

  2. Jeez Tom are you still a JW? You know they’re literally getting in trouble for hiding criminal pedos in their ranks as we speak, right?

  3. Oh Fuck I've just realised on top of the whole 10 year old child being a fucking they because they upped and decided to become a tranny or gender neutral and be so smart and mature as to decide to distance themselves from their own fucking gender defining genitalia and everything it represents in social society to the point that they're now a fucking "they", but they also have fucking… Interracial parents? Interracial Adoptive parents? It's such a shame how this great children's story had been fucking ruined by things like this. *AND I DON'T MEAN THE ACTUAL ISSUES THEMSELVES*. like it's great that these things are being tackled and talked about and discussed… But not here man. Don't involve and force or down kids throats. Not in loss story books. None of this belongs especially for the age demographic this book is targeting. Like it's so forced this PC Aspect of it. Pit it somewhere else. It's so clear this storys true purpose is just to not so subtly be about these issue and to throw it at the target audience of young children watching and reading this and pretending to diguise it. Just make a book clearly and openly talking about gender neutrality. and interracial parents and the acceptance of it to young children. Don't put it in a story and not actually confront it. It just loses the message and ruins the story. It's so ugly in the way that it's forced and in hate how unnecessarily forced it is.

  4. Sam stole credit card from his parents to buy rocket launcher…. but somehow his parents were killed by santa way before that…

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